So my best friend has a thing about years ending in odd numbers, and with January being proved the most depressing month of the year, having a place to vent my thoughts may help me get through the up and coming days. Telling the truth, blogposts run through my mind all the time; walking to the bus stop, trying out new products, sitting on the toilet, you name it... but I have never actually been bothered to activly create one, and what better place to start than in the new year.
After boogying all new years night to 90s hip hop and R'n'B, laying in bed and reflecting on 2012 is quite emotional for me, I personally grew and learnt an incredible amount. Thinking back to this time last year I was a completely different person- I was really struggling and finding it hard to remain who I really was; A few months prior I had just started sixth form and despite me staying on at the same school, alongside most of my year, I went from being the most secure and intelligent girl with the closest and care-free friends in the world, to what felt like a hopeless outcast that was out of her depth and had given up. Alongside a new ugly photo ID card that I had to wear hanging off a lanyard around my neck, over 250 newbies were also thrown into the mix, which meant school was no longer my safe haven or place where I didn't feel the need to impress anyone. My tight knit girl group had all branched off and found other people with even similar interests and school work was no longer something I only occasionally had to ask for help with. This time last year, even though I felt unimportant and that no eyes were on me, I fully felt pressure. And during 2012, it nearly pulled me under. It only took a few months but by the beginning of the year I had turned into a recluse and lost faith in myself.
The person I was last year really tested my relationships and, even though it sounds cheesey, made it crystal clear to me who I should really value. Being a hopeless, boring sap in 2012 was one of my biggest learning curves yet. Despite me failing to reach out to my two best friends about anything, they reached out to me and never gave up. Deep down they knew I was still me, and honestly, if they had given up, I'd still be that girl. But lonelier. And probably 10 times fatter (because all I wanted to ever do was stay in bed and consume my feelings).
Another lesson (or reminder) from 2012 was the importance of my family.
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| This was taken at my Dad's 50th birthday in 2011, I'm not sure if we have any nice photos together from 2012 despite my Mum contstantly insisting on 'a nice family photo' every 5 minutes. |
This year a lot of changes happened within our home. While I was going through a really tough stage and personal struggle, I let the relationship I had with my Dad take the brunt of it. I'd forgotten that relationships consist of two people, and I'm ashamed to say I blamed everything and every personal problem I could, on him. I guess you could say I was an emotional teenage brat. Looking back, the admiration I have for him putting up with me is huge, I would have given up and disowned me. Although now I often award myself an imaginary gold medal with the patience I have with some of the things he comes out with; such as the constant purchasing of unnecessary clutter (...take away boxes? spare wellington boots? in london?) and clueless questions (why doesnt an iPod get heavier when you put music on it?...really?). It's safe to say though that this year hasn't been in a walk in the park for him like I assumed. Work made it almost impossible for him to ever be at home, but I can proudly say he will be starting a new job, with a new boss in the next month or so. 2013 is already an improvement and has already given us plenty to look forward to. Both my sisters also moved out in 2012. I'm still getting used to not having them around all the time and I sometimes really, really miss them, especially as I was so used to living in a house in which team girls ruled the roost; now when the clock strikes 9, Mum is usually asleep and girly company is off the cards. Mind you, its not too bad. Claire has a car so she still visits every week or so and I no longer have to put up with her yelling and getting annoyed at my bad habits and untidyness, and Charlotte only lives a fifteen minute walk away and I can offen tempt her round with an offering of some sort of food. Living with always-asleep-mum and two boys also means that I no longer live with people who steal my make-up, clothes or shoes :).
2012 also marked the year in which I landed my first ever job! I had been looking everywhere for what seemed like forever, but seeing as my CV proposed a girl that had experience of photocopying in the backrooms of a hospital that smelt like old people and reading bedtime stories to children, nowhere would have me. It all happened when Charlotte asked me to help her out at work, and being in my depressed and inactive state, I quite obviously wasn't doing anything else. It's weird to think that by watching me build ikea flatpack furniture and take endless recycling out to the bins, my now boss, Dave, wanted to hire me. But he did. And I can proudly say it has made possibly the biggest change in my life than I could put in to words. Even though my job doesnt require much intelligence or skill, it has taught me so much more. I no longer envy all the house parties (which since I stopped envying, I suddenly began being invited to), and no longer tried so hard to impress all my peers. My office is full of oddballs and nutjobs but we all get along and love each other for it, and I feel with the whisper from Charlotte asking if I wanted to work there, I gained a whole nother family. Below are a few pictures of our 2012 christmas party. I am proud to say I was a member of the party committee; (lots of) bare skin, vommiting, boogying and good food, I'd say it was a success. Getting a job really spurred me on to get my act together, mature and be independent. Now I know, if I want something, I should go and get it. Funny though, how things pan out; if I hadnt been so in despair and lost, I wouldnt have been able to commit and find myself again.
I guess its safe to say that 2012 was a definite year of development. Compared to this time last year, I have done a complete 180 and am in such a better place. Gaining back my self security (although not perfect... but who's is?), brought back and reminded me of everything and everyone important in my life. The relationships I have with my family and friends are now stronger than ever and there is no longer any tiptoeing around situations, just boogying and enjoying each other. Even though I have spent the majority of these Christmas holidays in bed, sobbing infront of my laptop screen to endless episodes of Greys Anatomy, I am happy. Last year has confirmed my beliefs in fate, everything happens for a reason, to have strength, you need struggles. Nearing the end of last year I even got a tattoo of the zen circle to represent living for today- nothing lasts forever so you may as well make it what you can.
Despite the best friend's superstition concerning odd numbered years (espcially it being 13), I have high hopes for the next twelve months. This is my final year of school... ever! I shall (hopefully) be entering the bigger, wider world of work, whereby responsiblities are more than the milk and collegues' birthday cards, trying to cope with the majority of my friends going to university or travelling and trying to search for a new series to replace Greys Anatomy, of which I have exhausted all illegal internet streaming links of, and viewed every single episode ever aired. I tried to compell a list of personal new years resolutions, so I could post them and then be encouraged to stick to, but instead of constructing a few interesting ones, I came up with about 50 token challenges (although SO BORING). Here goes:
1. Eat healthilier, little things like making lunches instead of buying them. (This then involves being organised or waking up earlier, and considoring the rack of ribs that I consumed just a few hours ago in celebration of my sister's birthday, somehow seems unrealistic).
2. Be more committed to the gym routine, I want that card to swiped so many times that my name has worn off the back.
3. Be more money concious, I'm an adult now... I need to stop buying everything that catches my eye and start saving to pay for important stuff :'(
4. Be more reliable and honest. I don't want to have to lie about where I am because I spent an extra fifteen minutes in bed. I personally hate being let down, and although I'm guilty of sugar coating, if I don't have the intention to do something, I shouldn't plant a seed of hope. And if I do have the intention of doing something, I need to actually do it!
5. Get a reasonable amount of sleep. 2012 could be dubbed the year I would get five hours sleep during weekdays, and sixteen hours sleep during the weekends. I shall restrict myself from playing games on my phone or watching youtube videos past a certain hour.
6. Drink more water!
7. Use all my products. I'm one of those people who when she sees it, wants it, and it has landed me in mountains of beauty products and gimicks I hardly even touch. 2013 will be the year in which I get stuck in, stop being wasteful and give everything a go.
8. Filter my thoughts and bite my tongue. I am ashamed to say I suffer from verbal dihorrea. If someone continutes to annoy me, it shall wind up in my mind and I will have no quarms in verbalising it... it's one of those qualities I wish I didn't posses.
9. Be more organised and active concerning work. For the first half of the year this shall consist of starting assessments and revision early, and handing work in ON TIME! And for the second half of the year... lord knows.
10. Be more charitable. This year I did Crisis at Christmas and it was possibly the most inspirational week of my life.
I know it was a long post, but I had a whole year to look back on...Thus, goodbye 2012, HELLO 2013!
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